i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
