My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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