my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
