Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
