I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize