I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
