It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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