I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
True college students do jello shots in the library
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
