I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
