she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
