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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
