girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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