literally had 100 drinks last night.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
