I wish my penis had an off switch
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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