Do you still have your period?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
