i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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