If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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