Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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