is wine microwaveable?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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