lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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