life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I don't think brook has ever known best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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