Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
