so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
