I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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