True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Houston, we have a blender
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
