People in love make me want to vomit
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
