I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
