he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.