I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.