I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.