Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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