My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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