how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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