I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
