Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
