Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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