I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
