The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
