you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
