her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
