I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
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Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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