i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
