So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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