The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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