I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
