I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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