And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
