I CAN MOONWALK!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
did i just pee glitter
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
