Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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