just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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