I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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