So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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