My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just had sex on a roof
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
