we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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