i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
