Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
