we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's great music for shaving your balls
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
