respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
