I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you will always have a special place in my vag
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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